yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
