you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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