just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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