my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
