I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
