This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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