Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
