you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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