You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
