I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Farmville is her only friend.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
