he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
