I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
