so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
