You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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