I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
