Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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