woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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