I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
