your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
