Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
