i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
