My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
