let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
