Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
