You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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