There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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