im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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