I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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