i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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