one two three fourrrrnication!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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