There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
