he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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