So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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