Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
