Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
