I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
