I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
