one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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