the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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