...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
