Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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