I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
