My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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