Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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