I accidentally had phone sex last night
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Randomize
