I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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