Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
