Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
