its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
