Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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