Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
