I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
