my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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